"Ima Be Single 4 LYfe"
Welcome to Part 4 of my blog series "Single for LYfe"!
For a reminder, the "LYfe" is spelled like that for a reason (also in this case, using the "4" instead of "for"). It stands for Love Yourself which is an underlying message in not only this blog series but my blog in general. If at any point my blogs do not reflect that message, please "Contact Me" below and let me know. Anyway...
Background
I realized a common theme in my conversations with other {older} women. Recently, I heard a familiar complaint from a customer at my job regarding her current boyfriend. She informed me that she was Father's Day shopping for her boyfriend who was a "Mama's Boy" because he was an only child and also a father. The way she was quickly traveling throughout the store and how she stopped me with urgency, I thought there would not be time for such small talk or venting... I was wrong to assume that and she continued to vent to me. She mostly complained about the fact that he was an only child and how her mother did not like him, etc. etc. I could not help but have selfish thoughts and wonder, "why do strangers come to me to vent about their relationships problems" because it has happened, unusually, multiple times. My second thought was "why are there so many women like this who say and know they could do better but still choose to settle." She got me thinking and, of course, overanalyzing.
Why do people, or more specifically women, settle?
The Insinuation/Assumption
Time and time again, we watch and hear women complain about their man, their job, their situation, etc. and go back to it. Often, we are quick to judge them without evaluating other options or considering their circumstances they may have. Sometimes they have no other option or choice and sometimes they do.
In my time interning at a nonprofit organization who provide services to women of domestic violence, I learned that victims use settling in their relationships is a means of survival. I found that the victims must evaluate the facts in their circumstances that cause them to stay attached and grounded to their relationship with their abuser. For example, some women in these situations have children to consider and may rely on their abuser's income (or is forced to rely on their income for support which is a form of financial abuse and control). Though domestic violence is a severe case of women settling, all women have to consider their circumstances and be cautious of the effects their decisions may make.
However, let me focus on the women who may not go through this type of abuse and still settle for crappy, "no-good" men they either call their boyfriend, spouse, etc. that do not satisfy them (the women) in their relationships. To answer the question to why do women settle, I believe that it's based on this standard and ideology that women need to stay with men. Society tells women that men need them. In most relationships, women hold this to be true whether they are in love with their partner or not. A sense of empathy impacts the woman's decision.
In this case with my customer, I feel that there were circumstances that I was not considering at the time of her venting and possibly judged her too quickly. For one, she empathizes with her partner. She sees that he was in an unsuccessful relationship with a woman who happened to give birth to his children. But I cannot help but wonder how much this empathy keeps her from breaking up with him. Secondly, she was probably considering the fact that she is at the age in life where society suggests that she should be married by now. So because she was older, she probably felt as though age plays a huge role why she's settling with her relationship with the "Mama's Boy." Another thing for me to consider is the fact that no one wants to be alone. She probably believes in the message that Cosmos and other "Get & Keep Your Man" magazines convey to their audience which to please the man you have... whether you want him or not. All in all, I would have loved to talk to her more about her relationship and get more in depth about what she believes in, etc. Please note that marriage/couple counseling was once a career aspiration of mine... maybe I should have mentioned that at the beginning LOL!
However, settling isn't the final choice no matter what one's circumstances are. The idea that you will be single for life could or could not be true but it's up the individual to find happiness in a relationship. I believe that there is someone out there for everyone and just because that person may not be in your life when you want them to be, doesn't mean they don't exist. No one wants to miss out on being in love or simply being in a relationship because no one wants to be lonely; you just have to make sure you're not settling in your relationship with that person or you'll miss out on your true soulmate. I believe that in there's a time and place for everything and that only God can arrange these things for you.
Overall Idea
One should be patience and trust in God to send them their partner and soulmate. Everything happens for a reason whether good or bad experiences. Some things will teach your lessons and some things are simply blessings. Don't lose hope. Don't believe in what society forces you to believe in: that there's a certain time {or person} you should be {with} this or that. Everything is according to God's purpose and will for your life not society's. There should not be an "Ima Be Single 4 LYfe" mentality or attitude because in life, you don't ALWAYS have a say in what happens in the long run but you do have a choice whether to settle or not in mediocre relationships. Life isn't forever and being single is not a bad thing.
SincereLY,
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