I am a FAILURE

This blog post title is inspired by the saying "you are what you eat." This applies because we consume more than food on a daily basis. We watch various videos, commercials, television shows, movies, IG stories, Facebook stories, and snaps. We read different things whether they are motivating, inspiring, instructional, funny, boring, or simple. These are all things we consume within our brain's mental processes so we retent more than we think. With this consumption, we can repeat what we saw or what was processed. In other words, what we "ate" has digested in us and has now become apart of us. In my case, I have consumed thoughts and therefore, actions that have reflected failure.

My grad program gradually showed me the things I have consumed. I learned about my mindsets and habits. I had goals that I did not know I had or bad thoughts & habits I need to improve on or get rid of. Although I have many strengths (I don't want to beat myself too bad), I am the type of person to focus on the weaknesses or "potential strengths". I came to the realization after graduating that I have a BIG fear problem...

I am fearful of failing! 

You fail when you don't fight to succeed. When you fail, you are now a failure. "Why try?" "I have no successes." "I got this but I really wanted this {result}." "Things never go my way!" "What is life if you're not winning?" I didn't know I was so competitive and valued perfection {until I graduated}. I'm not sure why it took so long but I know this was something I had to come to and find out for myself. Everything had to be within the right timing. I was okay with mediocrity and being complacent. I was okay with being uncomfortable but as long as I had control... which is another thing, I am a CONTROL FREAK! This is scary... to have all these realizations at once but it was, again, needed! "I can succeed if I have control over it," was what I used to think. But in the mist of me controlling, I have controlled my way to fear and failure. What have I been feeding myself?

I have been feeding myself inconsistency and excuses. I think a factor to that is that I am not easily motivated by others and external factors. Seeing someone stepping out of the norm is inspiring for me. However, I grew up never finishing anything. Everything I have started, I never had a finale or officially completed anything besides school. I never officially finished dance or piano. I started taking singing and music serious but then my anger and fear of failing in the music industry outweighed any hope. Even recently, I started an online business and never finished or even officially resigned. Every organization I have had an intern with or joined, I always left by lingering.

When you are always busy and do not take the time to reflect, you have to evaluate your diet. 

If you know me, you know I am ALWAYS moving and on the go. Some of the time it's necessary because I have promises I must fulfill but the majority of the time, it's a coping mechanism and it's out of habitat. On the other hand, "being busy" is an excuse I silently say and allow others to assume about me. It has become annoying though when someone goes to invite me somewhere and then answers their own invite by saying "oh, you're busy so probably can't come." I have realized that my failure has caused me to accept this lie. There's a difference between moving and actually being productive. Always moving and "being busy" is apart of my control. I need to work towards productivity and pay attention to what I am feeding myself...

I need to watch what I "eat" and "eat" the right things INTENTIONALLY!!

Since graduating and then traveling abroad, doing things I would have never done in the States (like ATVing, horseback riding, all things I've been wanting to do but too fearful to do especially alone), my eyes are open and my heart has softened. The recent solution that works best for me is to practice mindfulness. I have found that if I pause during the day and take deep breaths and meditate on my thoughts and body, I am calmer and find myself slowing down. I combine mindfulness with prayer and find myself talking to God and my spirit more clearly. From there, I am able to pray and affirm myself.  I become more aware of my wants and God's instructions.   Reading and studying the Bible is another solution. I am eager to learn new things about my faith and Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my faith and trust in God grow stronger and I am able to be more confident in myself: "I can all things through Christ". He's not a failure and neither did He make me a failure!

It's hard for me to say no as much as it's hard for me to admit these things to myself. I must have failed at self-care... something I always preach. With self-care comes self-reflection and the ability to truly care for and be aware of yourself. The more you practice mindfulness, the more you become aware of yourself in deeper ways. I have realized that I am way farther than I thought... Having control will cause you to not have faith in yourself and in God. You find that you are always worn down and weakened by the control because you are using your own strength versus God's. And most importantly, I have failed because I have allowed fear to control my everyday snacks, meals, and diet. I fail because I trust in my own ability than God's. I have controlled my own self into failure and complacency.

I have become the very thing I feared the most... failure

With this realization comes the responsibility to act on it and be better. I vowed to myself and to God that I will "eat" healthy from here on out. With self-care classes, mindfulness, affirmations, motivation, separation from social media, and personal prayer time, I am confident that I will be able to push beyond myself into greater! I have a lot of things God has called me to do and my excuses and fear can no longer hold me back.

I can't keep talking about changing and never taking the steps to do so. 

It will be a challenge, I know it! But knowing that fear is a parasite that has been sitting in my stomach, taking everything I eat and leaving me malnourished. It has imprisoned me when I am designed to be free! I can't keep going back to pick up the chains. I have shackled myself to fear and it's time that we no longer stay cellmates.

If my story has helped you realize that you too have failed, I encourage you to really analyze what is holding you back. Who is holding you back? Fear? Imperfections? Your excuses? You?? I am willing to be your accountability partner! Let me know by commenting or scroll over to the "Contact Me" section.