Something Missing

Filling a Void

It's hard to imagine a life where you have an absent parent in your life either from death or abandonment. Or should I say it's hard for those of us who are not missing a parent in our lives but there are those who do live such a life like this. Some children cannot picture having a daddy coming home from work, helping them with homework, and tucking them into bed. Some children cannot picture having a mommy cooking them meals, cleaning their house, and singing them lullabies. However, majority of us are adults now and can't go a week without hearing your mother's or father's voice telling you that everything is going to be okay no matter how crazy the world gets and that you are still going to be their child that they will love forever. If you are one of the ones that still have both parents... like me... you are PRIVILEGED. Here's why.

Knowledge of  a Psych Major kicking in: 

Part of your being: who you are, where you came from, and what you, most likely, will be is inherited by your parents. The basis of what you know or live by is from your parents. Now that I have grown up and can realize my parents' strengths and weaknesses and what type of person they are, I realize the explanations of why I say and do the things I say and do. For example, say you did not grow up being taught that saying yes ma'am, no ma'am, yes sir, and no sir was polite. You may think on how life growing up, especially in the South, would have been different. You probably would think of yourself as rude but how did you become such way? Because your parents did not teach that saying yes ma'am, no ma'am, etc. was polite. More than likely, they grew up not knowing such rule and it just passed down from generation to generation. Another example would be eating certain foods. My family is a seafood family. I'm sure my mom was eating seafood while I was in the womb. Guess what my favorite type of food is? You get the hang of it. What you know and what you are taught, consciously or unconsciously, is inherited from your parents. But say you have your parents' genes but do not actually interact or exhibit those genes from a parent...

There's this theory called "Nature, Nurture". By Nature, you have your mother's eyes and your father's hair. By Nurture, you smoke because your dad smoked and you drink because your mom drinks. Get it? Most of your habits are either witnessed/observed or taught. I say all of this to say... having both parents present in your life is essential.

So what if you don't? You, unconsciously and subliminally, fill that void. There's nothing like a REAL mother's nurturing love or a REAL father's loving protection. It is not explained but there's something about it that is needed in one's life. That's why I said at the beginning of this post that if you have both parents, you are PRIVILEGED! You may still have similar issues but it's on different terms than those who are missing one. I know from experience. For example, I have come in contact with sooooo many people who have lost a parent somehow, some way and whom I witnessed try to fill that void. Not in any way am I putting anyone on blast or telling someone has the worst life by not having both parents. There's multiple success stories. However, based off my experience and what I've witnessed and even advised, these are the things I've witnessed.

• My friends who have missing fathers usually have the most relationship problems. Whether that's being too passive or too clingy, multiple people usually have hard time in relationships. My belief that I live strongly by is "Fathers are the models of all relationships". Think about it. It's a father that have to ask hand in marriage, teach their sons what type of man to be, and teach their daughters what type of man they should look for. It's fathers who set that up. For someone to be missing a father in their life, they (especially females) try to find another male figure to substitute that whether that's a boyfriend, male teachers, pastors, grandparents, anyone... mostly boyfriends tho.

• My friends who have missing mothers usually are caught between being a lover or a fighter. Think about it. Your mother teaches you morals and how to treat others. They are usually very heartless when it comes to relationships. They are usually brought up by their fathers who teach them how to be a man or what to look for in a man but they do not have a mother to model the opposite or what to do when being approached. For example, once my dad taught me that I should look for a gentleman for a boyfriend or husband and I witnessed her happy reaction to his modeled gentleman-ness, I strive for that same happiness or smile on my face just like hers. Why? Because I saw that being a gentleman is who my dad was and that it made a happy mom.

How to overcome this void? It will be hard to because no matter what, you have something important missing in your life. My advice is to recognize that you are trying to fill a void in your life and seek a mentor to replace it instead of a girlfriend or boyfriend you are in a(n) {intimate} relationship with. Most importantly, seek God in prayer. He'll never leave you or forsaken you and when I felt like I was filling a void because an absence of one of my parents, I sought God and did not need anything else. That might not work for everybody but find multiple POSITIVE ways and not just convenience.

AMC